A note from Dad

Zoe Faith,

 The most important thing I want you to know is that you are loved and wanted. I might have said that I wanted a boy, but I take all of that back now. Holding you, kissing you, looking at your beautiful little face completely changed my world. You are the most precious gift I could have ever received. Spending a lifetime with you would have been too short, but I am thankful for the time I did have to spend with you.

 When your mom first showed me the pregnancy test, I didn't believe it. The second line was just so faint that I thought we were reading it wrong. But the second test said the same thing…but I still didn’t want to get my hopes up. Then we went to the doctors and they confirmed it…but it still didn’t sink in. I don’t think that I really started to get excited until we went to the first ultrasound. I didn’t know what I was looking at, but there was definitely something alive and moving around inside of Jen. I heard your little heartbeat and I fell in love.

 I will never forget the day that we learned you had anencephaly. We went to the ultrasound so excited. I had convinced your mom that we didn’t need to know if you were a boy or a girl…that it would be more fun to just be surprised. The nice lady doing the ultrasound let us hear your heart…that was always one of my favorite times because it meant that you were still doing ok. Then she showed us your feet and legs, heart and hands. We were so excited to see you. You were moving all around making it sort of hard for the tech to get your picture, but we didn’t care because we got to see you.

But then the doctor came in and that’s when we found out that you weren’t doing as good as we thought. We found out that your brainstem wasn’t forming correctly and that your skull wasn’t formed. We were devastated. You were our child who we loved and had wanted for so long, but from the way the doctor explained it to us, you were probably going to die in your momma’s womb at any moment. They wanted us to stop your pregnancy right then…but we couldn’t even think of doing that. We loved you and we wanted so badly to meet you and to hold you in our arms.

And so we went home…I don’t know how we made it because I was crying the whole way. I didn’t know how many tears I could cry until that night. We loved you so much and we hadn’t even met you. We cried because of all the things we wouldn’t get to experience with you. I cried because I wasn’t going to be able to snuggle with you as you fell asleep. I cried because I wasn’t going to get to swing you around in the air. I cried because I wasn’t going to get to tie your little shoes. I cried because I wasn’t going to get to teach you to ride a bike or push you on a swing. I cried for all the memories we wouldn’t have with you on this earth.

But your mom had a wonderful idea and that was to take you to experience some of those adventures while you were still with us inside of your mommy. And so we went on a bike ride. We went to the zoo. We flew kites, we read you stories, we roasted marshmallows and had gluten-free s’mores. We even got to go to the ocean together.

I tried to give you a kiss every morning…I’m sorry for the times I forgot. I loved sitting on the couch next to your mother with my hand on her belly feeling you kick. Once you even kicked right where I was kissing. I believe that you knew I was there, you definitely knew when we got home because you would start to do summersaults inside your mom’s womb. There was that time when your mom fell asleep and it was just you and me and you kicked me so many times. I loved to feel you move, because it meant you were still there and that was our prayer, that you would be born and that we would get to meet you on this earth…and God answered that prayer.

It was just this last Thursday. Just another normal day. We went to the gym, got home and I was just eating my breakfast. We were supposed to leave for work in 15 minutes, but I guess you had a different idea. You mom calmly called me and told me that she thought we were going to the hospital. I really didn’t know what to do, but we got you there and man oh man, you were ready to come out and meet us.

I’ve never been so excited and scared in my whole life. I kept praying that you would make it and God answered that prayer. You exploded out into the world and there you were with us, our beautiful Zoe Faith. So beautiful, so small and so fragile. That was the best and worst day of my life. The best because I got to meet you, hold you and tell you how much I loved you. Worst because I had to say goodbye to you. I held you for so long. I felt you moving against my chest, I saw you trying to open your eyes and I will forever cherish every moment that we spent together. But you were not made for this world and you peacefully left this world. I was holding you in my arms and I didn’t want to ever let you go. But I had to.

Zoe, as much as I miss you and will continue to miss you I know you are somewhere where you are experiencing more love than me and your mom could ever have given you. I know that you are with Jesus and He is taking such good care of you. I know that you are in a place where your body and mind are whole, where you can experience everything you were created to experience and I know one day I will get to hold you. Once day I will get to tie your shoe, one day I will get to snuggle you to sleep, teach you to ride a bike and play with you. Right now we are apart and that hurts me so badly, but you are in such a better place, a place where you will never have to experience sin, loss and death again. You will never have to experience the ugly things that happen on this earth. You will only experience the perfection and love that you were created for. You are with a Father that will never fail you like I would have, you are with a family that will never let you down and one day, your mom and I will be with you there. Until that day, Zoe, know that you are loved, wanted and missed.

Father, I know that Zoe is experiencing your perfect love. Hold her tight against your chest, whisper in hear ears how much you love her and tell her how much her earthly parents love her. Keep her close to you. I know you will take such good care of her…better care than I ever could have. Thank you for the time that you did let us have with her…she is so special. We will miss her so much. But thank you for entrusting her to us for the time we did have. We love you and trust you Father.

Amen