Excited and a little nervous, we arrived at the doctor's office for my 19 week ultrasound. We were pleasantly surprised by how quickly the nurse called us back. The ultrasound technician joined us and the first thing she did was find the baby's heartbeat. I let out a sigh of relief. Nothing makes me happier than hearing the heart beat of the precious little gift growing inside me. A little foot showed up on the screen and I just giggled within.

This past week when I was running I thought about how what we are going through with our baby is similar to running on a treadmill. You don't get anywhere. You start in one place, stay in that place and end at the same place. I thought about how I'm going to leave the hospital the same way I arrived, without a baby to hold. I only had this thought for a split second and sadness gripped me for even thinking such a thought.

Some days are easier than others, this week unfortunately had more hard days than easy. On Monday, June 23rd we went for another ultrasound. I experienced a mixture of emotions as we entered the hospital. Excitement about seeing our baby again, fear about whether or not our baby was still alive, sadness as reality set in once again, joy when finding out the gender.

This past week was filled with a number of firsts! We traveled to Florida for five days of pure enjoyment in the sun on the beach with wonderful friends. God’s timing is perfect. Back in February we were invited to join the Slonek family for part of their vacation. I marvel at how perfect the timing was and how it allowed us to get away from everything for a few days and also make some unforgettable memories.

We took Zoe Faith to her first photo shoot. The conclusion: Zoe is a cutie! Her little nose and lips keep bringing a smile to my face. The way she has her hands against her cheeks and her little knees curled up is to cute for words. I think I may have looked at her pictures a hundred times in the last two days. I just can't get enough of seeing her.

It has been a couple of weeks since I've written an update about our adventures with Zoe Faith. We've taken her to Michigan to meet more of her family, we moved into a new apartment, she got to meet my mom, we took her downtown to Shedds Aquarium and much more.

"Our Nest Is Best".... I have said this often over the last month. It is a line from one of my favorite childhood books. The book is about a couple (two birds) who set out to find a new nest because the wife bird is not happy with her current home. On their search for a new nest they try out a shoe, a mailbox, a church steeple and a number of other interesting nesting potentials. But in the end they find themselves at their old house singing "I love my house, I love my nest. In is all the world this nest is best".

I cried through the whole song....I can't remember more than the one line "How do you say goodbye when you never really wanted to." It was my sister's senior year of high school and they closed their last choir show with this song. I wasn't the only one in tears. Goodbyes are never easy and some prove to be harder than others. I have tried hard to avoid goodbyes and the goodbyes I have had to face have been messy, tear-filled, headache inducing experiences.

It was exactly a week ago that I wrote my last blog post "How do you say goodbye when you never really wanted to?" At that time we thought we had three more weeks of adventures with Zoe.

We had a beautiful memorial service for Zoe. We treasured the opportunity to let everyone meet our sweet Zoe and we both agreed that there was something so special about letting everyone see her preciousness. . She looked like the cutest baby doll. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but at the same time it brought so much healing.

The most important thing I want you to know is that you are loved and wanted. I might have said that I wanted a boy, but I take all of that back now. Holding you, kissing you, looking at your beautiful little face completely changed my world. You are the most precious gift I could have ever received. Spending a lifetime with you would have been too short, but I am thankful for the time I did have to spend with you.

When Joe and I found out about Zoe's condition we began praying and hoping we would get to hold her while she was still living. God blessed us with 2 hours. She never cried or made any noise but her heart was beating, she tried to open her eyes and Joe felt her fingers moving as he held her close to his chest. These small signs of life brought such joy to us.