Adelynn Aurora

We are the Kalivas Family. I'm Brooke, my husband Jason and I have been together since 2014, in 2016 we welcomed a healthy daughter, Amelia. In 2020, we moved across the united states on the first weekend of the pandemic. A few months later, we were delighted to learn we would be welcoming another baby into our family.

We were so excited to be pregnant again after 1.5yrs of infertility. I had a very difficult 1st trimester with hyperemesis which subsided by 20 weeks. I thought the hardest part of pregnancy was now behind me. Adelynn was diagnosed with Anencephaly, a condition incompatible with life, after our 20 week ultrasound in Sep 2020. I didn't understand why God was putting us through this. We wanted this baby, we had waited for so long. I did my best to trust he had a plan even if I didn't see it, even if I never saw it. After learning our girl wasn't in pain and there was no extra risk to me, we knew we were going to carry to term and love her for the time she had with us. We also decided we would donate her organs and cord blood, it felt right that some good may come of our loss.

The next few months were a whirlwind of meeting with palliative care, holidays, memory making, and a devastating mixture of grief and joy. I was grateful for each kick & each kick equally broke my heart knowing it could be the last. I was induced at 37 weeks, our mfm said it gave us the best chance of meeting Adelynn alive. She was born at 9:25am January 5th. She came eyes open and crying, it was the most beautiful sound. I was immediately overwhelmed by joy and love for her. Amelia, our older daughter, came in shortly after, we had a photographer come and take photos of our family.

My heart was so full, at least for this brief moment in time my family was together. We read books, made keepsakes, & took photos. We had a recording of her heartbeat put in a blue whale Amelia picked out. We were together, it was perfect. When Amelia left the hospital my heart broke, it was the last time my family would be whole. The rest of the day was spent cuddling and loving on Adelynn. She passed around 9:40pm and we went home shortly after. I couldn't bear to be there after she passed. She brought so much joy even in the midst of the darkest grief. I'm forever thankful for the time we got with her.

4) Is there something that helped you and continues to help you through the waves of grief involved in losing a baby?

Connecting with other moms who have been through loosing a baby, I've met one of my closest friends through a support group and as much as I hate the circumstances of our meeting I'm so thankful for her support and friendship. Allowing myself to be in the grief without trying to rush through it. Listening to and singing hymns. The book sunlight in December. I also take great comfort in finding ways to include Adelynn. I have photos of her up in our home along with her handprints. I also learned how to crochet a few months after her loss. Having something to do with my hands during quiet times or heavy times of grief has been immensely helpful.

5) Do you have a favorite moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby?

During pregnancy feeling all of her kicks, she moved and kicked constantly. It was so reassuring to me to be able to know that at least for now she was safe in there. She especially went crazy for strawberry milkshakes. After delivery she made the most adorable little cooing noises. At one point she looked up at me and her dad and cooed and smiled. It was so beautiful.

6) Can you share a difficult moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby?

The day we got her diagnosis was the hardest day of my life. I cried so much that my heart felt like it was going to burst. My eyes were swollen almost shut the next day. I wasn't able to sleep at all that night, the tears just kept coming even after the sobs stopped. I didn't know how it would be possible to keep living through that kind of pain. In that moment I felt truly abandoned by God. I couldn't understand why he was finally giving us a baby just to take her away. The rest of my pregnancy and the first few months after her death tested my faith like nothing else ever has.

7) What is something helpful others can do for someone who experiences a similar loss?

It means everything to me when people include her, whether it's by name or in the amount of children we have. When friends and family reach out on her birthday and special holidays. I think a lot of times people don't say anything for fear of upsetting me, but it's the not saying anything that upsets me. I'm always thinking of her, having others mention her make me feel loved and seen. My biggest fear is that she'll be forgotten by others. I've also appreciated greatly the friends who sent meals and care packages after our loss. I received many thoughtful gifts and jewelry with her name and birthstone.

8) How could someone honor and remember your baby now that time has passed?

Continuing to say her name and include her. To reach out on special days like her birthday and holidays, to acknowledge that those days are incredibly difficult for our family.

9) Do you have traditions or ways that you remember and celebrate your baby?

Next Christmas we plan to start a tradition of donating toys for the age she would be to toys for tots. We also plan to include her in family photos by bringing along the whale with her heartbeat. I put her stocking up at Christmas with small gifts for the family inside.

On her birthday we went for a hike with her whale and took pictures. We're going to add to a scrapbook of her birthday each year. My husband and daughter picked out a flower we'll press and put in her book. I picked out yarn in a color I would have picked to make her a blanket at that age. I crocheted a square, and each year I'll do the same and put a birthday quilt together for her eventually. I'll add 12 stitches, one for each hour of her life, of the rest of that yarn to each of my projects for the year.

10) Was there a book, song, and/or quote that encouraged you in your journey during pregnancy and after?

The book sunlight in December encouraged me so much. The hymn in Christ Alone specifically the line 'From life's first cry to final breath Jesus commands my destiny' I said that line over and over to remind myself that this was God's plan and even though I didn't understand or like it he was in control here and I had to trust that. The book of Job in the bible, I felt seen and known by Job. For the first few months it was the only part of the bible I could read. I felt like God met me where I was at with Job.