Jayden Christopher

My name is Jen Baedke and I married my college boyfriend. We have known each other for over 20 years and married for 18 years. In 2006, we got pregnant with our first child Addison Christina, she was born on August 18, 2006. Being a mom has always been a dream mine. When Addison was 2 we experienced our first loss. I was 10 weeks pregnant and found out I lost a baby. I had to go into the hospital for a d&c. We were devasted. When we got the all clear from the doctor, we started trying again. We got pregnant again, but ended up losing that baby at 5 weeks. My heart was broken. I had always wanted 3 kids. Fast forward to the year 2009 and I found out I was pregnant again, I went in for my ultrasound and to my surprise I was already 22 weeks! I didn’t expect that I was pregnant due to that I had my period during that time. I felt that was all God, because I knew how anxious I would have been especially during that first trimester. We welcomed a baby boy, Austen Michael on January 14, 2010. We were so blessed. In 2013, we learned we were pregnant again with our son Jayden Christopher.

Jayden’s story

It was the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I told my husband I should go get checked out at the hospital since I was having pains. We found out later after getting hooked up to machines and all that I was in fact having contractions. After the Doctor came in to check me I was 4 cm dilated and I was going to be delivering the baby tonight. He then told me just in case that was bad enough, that there was no hope for survival of the baby since I was just 21 weeks. I felt like Jay and I were punched in the stomach and they let all the air out of us. I of course then burst out into tears. How in the world could this be?!? I have to be in some sort of nightmare right??? WRONG! This was all happening and it was real as it would ever be! I found out that I seemed to have been diagnosed with Chorioamnionitis, which pretty much means there was an infection in my uterine wall and the only solution is to have the baby delivered as soon as possible. The doctor assured us that I would be okay, because I was scared for my safety since I was going to have deliver vaginally and before I had only had c sections. Then every now and then I would feel the baby move, the baby that was still inside of me and still had a heartbeat. How cruel could this be?!? The doctor said that the baby may come out breathing, but it wouldn't last long. I should mention that as soon as I hear this awful news we got a new nurse that came on at 7:00pm. Audree was her name, she was and will forever be my angel. She was my strength when I had none and was the voice of reason when I couldn't hear or even focus on anything. She was there to take care of me through this whole experience and to make sure I was as comfortable as I could be. Jay and I have such a connection with her that I am still in contact with her.

At first I didn't know if I wanted to see the baby, let alone hold the baby, but Audree gave me some great advice that I was going to want to hold my baby. Boy was she right, for as soon as the baby was delivered she put him in a baby blanket and placed him on my chest. My fears about myself went away and my only concern as I cried "I'm sorry" to my tiny baby boy was that I would do anything to make him okay. Jay and I were faced with so many questions and things that needed to be figured out. They were things we didn't think we needed to worry about after bringing another child into the world. We needed to contact a funeral home, plan arrangements, decided if we wanted an autopsy done. I am still in shock of all of this. Thankfully again Jay and I had each other, as well as our parents, and an amazing nursing staff. We were given time just the three of us after our son was born and all we could do was cry and look at how perfect our little boy was. He was absolutely perfect. Our nurse Audree, offered to take pictures for us. When she brought him back to us she had found him a precious blue hat, blue diaper and white blanket that he was wrapped in. She also gave us a memory box of some things as well as the CD of pictures she had taken. I think we maybe slept for 45 min after he was born and we had to say goodbye to him. Jay and I decided on a name for our angel baby boy, who we would not be taking home, Jayden Christopher Baedke.

Is there something that helped you and continues to help you through the waves of grief involved in losing a baby? Shortly after losing him I was connected with a group called Hope Mommies, it is an organization for other moms that have lost babies at all stages in their pregnancies. I felt comfort in the fact of knowing there were other women like me that understand exactly what I was going through. I had never known anyone that had lost a baby like this before.

Do you have a favorite moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby? I loved feeling him kick. I loved those moments when I would just be laying on the couch or laying in bed before I went to sleep where it was just me and him.

Can you share a difficult moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby? I think the most difficult moment was when I held Jayden in my arms and I prayed to God to save him. I kept saying please let him live. I think I was still in denial that this was all real. I honestly couldn’t believe this was my reality.

What is something helpful others can do for someone who experiences a similar loss? Mention their name, send cards, acknowledge that their baby existed. I loved those people that just gave me a hug because there were no words they could say that could make things better.

How could someone honor and remember your baby now that time has passed? After we lost Jayden, my husband found this beautiful beach picture with Jayden’s name written in the sand with a starfish. After that Jayden’s symbol became a starfish and I have starfish all over my house. I have always loved the beach, my husband proposed to me on my favorite beach. I love that Jayden is a part of that connection. It means so much when people share when they see starfish and send me a picture. I love when people see his name in stores or even when he was the name of a winter storm. It means the world to me that even 8 years later there are still people who still remember him.

Do you have traditions or ways that you remember and celebrate your baby? Every year on his birthday I buy a baby gift for the first baby boy born on or near his birthday at the same hospital he was delivered at. I write the same note to the moms every year. My family also goes out to dinner for his birthday, usually pizza my kids favorite, and then we get a cake and sing to him.

Do you have a quote, book, verse, song that has been a comfort?

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you