Aubrey Shapiro
1) Please introduce your family
Julie, a health care executive, and Justin, a sales manager, from Montgomery County, PA. We have been together for 8 years, and married for almost 4. We were both raised in neighboring suburban Philadelphia towns, and we met through mutual friends and re-connected after college. We have always been the happy go-lucky couple who loves to socialize, travel, and truly just live life to the fullest. In 2019, after living downtown Philadelphia for 10 years, we decided to move back to our home suburbs of Philadelphia to plant roots and be close to our families as we wanted to start our own family soon. In February 2020, we were ecstatic to learn that we were pregnant and expecting our first baby in October.
2) Name of your baby and date of birth/ date of death
Aubrey Rae Shapiro was born on 9/29/2020 at 6:08pm. She was 4 lbs, 12 oz, 18 inches long. She was 38 + 4 gestation.
4) Can you share the birth story of your baby?
We had just been at the doctors office the Friday before– 9/25/2020 to be exact. You were kicking and your heart beat was strong. After the rest of my check up that day, the doctor felt that there was a chance that you were going to come early! We were told to come back on 9/29/2020 at 9:15am for that final check up. I skipped out of the office, met your dad in the car, and told him the news. This was probably going to be our last weekend before our journey as parents began. We were thrilled, and surprised! After you had refused to move into the appropriate head down position for the weeks prior, your dad and I finally agreed to have a planned, scheduled c-section on 10/5/2020. After finalizing what would be your birthday, your dad and I immediately began talking about how your 1st birthday party would be an Oktoberfest theme! Crazy me, I even began a Pinterest board for it. That is how prepared we were for your arrival. We felt so lucky that we would hopefully be meeting you 6 days earlier than planned.
That weekend, we finished everything we could to prepare for your arrival. Your crib sheets were washed for the 3rd time, and we re-measured everything on the walls of your nursey that we had worked so hard on to make sure that everything was “even”. We were so proud of your room, and we were so excited for your to come home to it! On that Saturday, we decided to go out shopping so that your dad could find some new, comfortable pants for him to wear during our time in the hospital. We ended our day with dinner, and I treated myself to a peanut butter pie. I was so ready to get the parenting party started!
Things seemed to be fine during the following 48 hours. I never once wondered if something was wrong.
I walked into the office at 9:05am for my final appointment. The last thing I said to your dad was “we have to run home and get our pillows before we head to the hospital later!” I was so sure we would meet you in only a few hours. Around 9:22am, as I laid on the table, I noticed the look of fear that washed over the ultra techs face. I immediately knew something was wrong. She ran out of the room and got the doctor, and I immediately facetimed your dad to get into the office ASAP. He ran in, and we were immediately told “there is no longer a heart beat.” In that moment, our world stopped and has yet to start turning again. Through tears and screaming we asked what had happened. The doctor simply responded, “I am sorry. Sometimes these things just happen.” It was surreal. No one walked us out into the parking lot. No one walked us through the waiting room. No one even brought us into a private office. We were left standing, holding one another, while the ultrasound of our lifeless child stayed up on the monitor.
We stopped home on our way to the hospital. We still needed to get the pillows. I remember walking into your nursey, saying out loud “WELL. I guess you are never getting to see this.” and shut the door. We silently drove to he hospital where we checked in. We valeted the car, and when I walked in and said we were going to the Labor and Delivery floor, we were greeted with a “congrats!”. It was gut wrenching. I announced “our daughter is no longer alive.” It was the first time the phrase left my lips. We walked up to labor an delivery floor, where they were waiting for us. The nurses could barely look us in the eye.
We checked into our room, and I refused to change into a hospital gown. I did not want to do anything that would make this moment feel more real. I was not ready to say goodbye to you! The nurses and doctor who would be caring for the 3 of us came in and introduced themselves. I almost felt bad for them… until I realized that I did not have the capacity to care about anyone except for you in that moment. We were given the opportunity to have labor induced, or to move ahead with the c-schedule as planned for. We opted for the C-section. Because I had eaten breakfast that morning, I needed to wait 8 hours until we could meet you. I never wanted those 8 hours to end.
The hospital staff was so apologetic to us, and tried so hard to make us as comfortable as possible. We were shocked to find out that NO WHERE in your charts was your gender identified. WHAT?!?! So we got to have a private moment with only your dad and I, and our doctor, Dr. Murphy, where we learned that you were our baby girl. Our Aubrey Rae.
Even though it was COVID, the hospital allowed your Mickey, your Pop, and your Nan in to see us. We were so happy that we had them come in for support.
At 5:25pm, the nurses began to prep me for surgery. Our time was coming to finally get to meet you! It was a whirlwind of emotions. The happiest and saddest moments of our lives. I requested no medication, however because a c-section is a surgery, I was forced to be somewhat sedated. Before being reeled into the operating room, a line of hospital staff lined up at our door to share their words of sorrow and emotion with us. My daughter has always been so popular! We were brought into the OR, and I was prepped for surgery. Your dad came in, looking handsome as ever in his scrubs. The entire OR staff took a moment of silence for you, and your dad and I. The next thing I know, I looked up to see your daddy holding out beautiful baby girl in his arms. HE WAS SMITTEN, and you were absolutely perfect, making your grand entrance at 6:08pm on Tuesday 9/29/2020. Your eye lashes were so long, your legs were super model length, and much like your dad– you had the BEST hair! We couldn’t believe it. You were even more delicious and angelic than we could have ever imagined. After 25 minutes of snuggles and skin to skin, we handed you over to your nurse, Sheila Tarr, who swaddled your perfect body and took all of your measurements, including your hand and foot prints, which are still our most prized possession 1 year later.
3) Can you share about your baby’s life after birth and the time you had before they passed away?
We loved being pregnant with Aubrey. We chose to not find out her gender, but deep inside, we both always knew she was a girl. Being that our time together was during COVID, the 3 of us spent more time together than life would have typically allowed for during my pregnancy. We would go on daily walks, which she loved. Her puppy sister, Aspen (our Australian Shepherd), loved to snuggle up next to her every morning. Creating her nursery was our quarantine project, and we could not be prouder of the finished product. She was our glimmer of hope and happiness during a time when the world was living in fear and uncertainty.
5) Is there something that helped you and continues to help you through the waves of grief involved in losing a baby? Journaling through letters to Aubrey has become the way that I (Julie) can feel closest to her when I am feeling her void extra heavily. Telling her how much I miss her, all of the different ways I felt her presence with me during that day, and asking her for help dealing with difficult decisions and situations as I learn how to live here without her has really helped me to honor the mother-daughter bond that we share. Justin is always talking about the signs he sees, and together we go to visit her every Sunday as a family.
6) Do you have a favorite moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby? Learning that Aubrey was a girl before we delivered her was so special. We did a bedside ultrasound (after we knew her heart was not beating) and it was just the two of us and the doctor who delivered Aubrey. It was intimate and surreal, learning that it was our baby girl who had been sharing this time with us for the previous 9 months. The moments that we got to hold Aubrey in the Operating Room, doing skin to skin and making care to remember each little part of her (fingernails and eye lashes included <3), were moments that are forever imprinted in our brains and hearts.
7)Can you share a difficult moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby? Aubrey was born via c-section. The recovery was not an easy one.
8) What is something helpful others can do for someone who experiences a similar loss? Listen to them speak about how they feel and always ask questions. Refer to their child by their name. Continue to check in regularly, and do not be discouraged when they do not respond. Keep reaching out; they need to feel your love and support more than they can comprehend.
9) How could someone honor and remember your baby now that time has passed?Referring to Aubrey by name, sharing her story, and doing due diligence to educate oneself on the reality of stillbirth, and how to show support to loved ones dealing with similar situations. Many of the medical staff who cared for us in the hospital became bereavement doulas in honor of Aubrey, which is incredibly special.As parents, at the end of the day we just want to know that Aubrey’s life has changed other people’s lives for the better and that she will not be forgotten.
10) Do you have traditions or ways that you remember and celebrate your baby? Sharing her story with others keeps us feeling close to our daughter. Utilizing social platforms and our voices to share the reality of stillbirth and engage with others who have experienced the same situation, while informing those who may be faced with this situation in the future that they are not alone, is what we consider our version of parenthood and we are proud to stand tall in honor of Aubrey. Julie also began a small side project, called Aubrey’s Advocate, where she offer direct assistance simplifying the insurance matrix, determining what personal benefits your employer and insurance plan offers, such as assistance with housing and transportation costs, free mental health services (therapy, acupuncture, gym memberships) or even additional opportunities for paid-time-off for loss families. On April 25, 2020 we hosted our first annual “Aerobics for Aubrey” fundraiser at our local gym. We raised over $15,000 which was donated to Three Little Birds Perinatal Loss in order to sponsor a training program for medical professionals on how to emotionally care for families experiencing the loss of their baby while preparing to give birth and post-birth.
