Austin Ezell

Austin Dean Ezell

Born at 11:32PM on May 31st, 2015. He died at 12:48AM on a June 1st, 2015

My name is Hope Ezell, and my husbands name is Thomas. We’ve been married for seven years, and had five babies together. We are raising three of those children, and two live in heaven. Chantry is our oldest living children, she turns four this year. Jack is our second second living child, he is two, and Liam is our youngest, he is nine months. Our actual oldest child is Austin. He would be turning six this month. And our second baby died when I was just six weeks pregnant with them, five years ago. 

I went to our anatomy scan at 20 weeks, Thomas was in the field, he was active duty in the marines at the time,  so I was alone in the scanning room. The ultrasound tech was having a hard time getting the pictures she needed, and finally said that she would send a doctor in. The doctor told me that my amniotic fluid was incredibly low, and that he would be sending us to a specialist. After a week of waiting, we found out that our son never developed kidneys, and without kidneys he couldn’t create amniotic fluid, so he couldn’t practice breathing and develop his lungs. They asked if we wanted to terminate, and we chose to carry to term. We did as much as we possibly could to show him how much we love him. 

We chose to induce at 37 weeks, because there was so much strain on his little body, that the longer we waited, the more likely it became for his heart to give out. I was induced at 9AM on May 31st. I spent most of that day comfortable but with light contractions. My parents, Thomas’s parents, and two of my sisters were able to be with us. We played games, hung out, laughed some, until around 8PM when contractions started to pick up. I got an epidural, and Thomas and I tried to stay focused. At 11:30 they checked me and I was fully dilated. They asked me to push, and with just one small push, Austin was born. His heart was beating, and when they placed him on my chest, he tried to cry, it was the only sound we ever heard from him. He quickly seemed to go to sleep. His heart beat for one hour and sixteen minutes. 

The only thing that has helped me is my faith. God showed up in a million ways for me since Austin died, and he’s the only thing that has helped me stay steady even in the darkest days. 

My absolute favorite moment was holding him. There’s nothing like the moment you transform into a mother. And those hours holding him changed me completely. 

The hardest moment was handing Austin to a nurse, for them to take him away. Knowing I would never see his face again is something I will never forget. 

The most helpful thing someone can do for someone going through this is be there. And be there. And be there. Show up, even when the texts fall silent. Show up show up show up. 

One way others can be there for someone experience Continue to remember the important days. If something reminds you of him, tell me. I want to hear his name from others from the rest of my life. 

We’ve had a really hard time making traditions. We try to do something for his birthday every year. But it’s been hard. 

The songs Held by Natalie Grant and Ronan by Taylor Swift were both meaningful and encouraging during my pregnacy

I also found strength and comfort from the verse Isaiah 43:2, “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.”

I honestly couldn’t stand grief books and help books. I would fall in to fantasy books to try and distract myself. Ella enchanted, and things like that.

At first, my grief journey was me pushing everything away. Really to just survive. I call the first year after Austin died the lost year. Because I know I did a ton. I went to Disneyland twice with two different friends, I got the most fit I had ever been, I went to the beach religiously, and discovered new beaches all the time. Climbed some of the hardest mountains I have ever climbed. But I couldn’t tell you when I did that. Chronologically I have no idea what days or months I did any of it, and I only remember half of it through the pictures that were taken. We moved to Colorado a year after he died and that was when I started to remember things again. I’ve spent a lot of time in nature, and finding God in the spaces he’s created for the grieving. Now, a full six years in to my grief, I’m finding true healing in processing events that I’ve blocked out until now. It’s hard work. It’s devastating to look back and see how much I’ve lost. But I also know that this is how I become the best mom I can be to Austin and my living children.