Emersyn Drew
My name is Ashley Drew, and I’m married to my husband Cody. We are high school sweethearts and started dating at age 16. We’ve been together for almost 13 years and married for almost 6. In 2019, we got pregnant with our first beautiful daughter, Braelyn, and had her on November 1, 2019. Around her age of 1, we wanted to grow and expand our family and got pregnant with our second. Unfortunately we lost the baby at 10 weeks. After some time to heal and more months of trying, we were finally pregnant again with our rainbow baby, who soon became Emersyn.
As early as 16 weeks is when I started feeling her little flutters in my belly, and around 18 weeks is when they became very consistent. Just as I would settle in on the couch, she would do her little summersaults.
On the night of December 1, I realized I hadn’t felt her kick like I usually did. In the morning on December 2, I still hadn’t felt her kick and just felt like something was wrong. I drank some juice, waited 15 minutes and still nothing. I grabbed our Doppler and tried to find her heartbeat myself.. again, nothing.
I called my doctor in a panic and I just knew.
They got us in and took us back and tried to reassure me that everything was going to be fine.
The doctor came in, asked me questions, and pulled out their Doppler. Nothing. She sent us to the ultrasound room, and we just knew.
When the tech didn’t show us the heartbeat right away, when she stayed silent the whole time, when she didn’t look us in the eye… we knew.
Cody asked if there was a heartbeat and she slowly said, “I’m so sorry… I don’t see one.”
We just sobbed. I remember just covering my face and wanting to melt out of that room into another universe.
She came back in and let us know she needed to get more pictures. So for 15 more minutes I had to lay there sobbing while they looked at my sleeping baby who would never wake up again. They told us there was something wrong with her brain, which we later learned was a hemorrhage.
We were left in a scramble to pack a hospital bag, and headed back to the hospital to be induced for delivery.
While we were there, we were faced with making funeral arrangements- deciding between cremation or burial, we filled out paperwork for a death certificate, and we talked about autopsies and genetic testing.
I was induced starting around 3pm on December 2, and Emersyn Rose Drew was born sleeping at 12:11pm on December 3.
Is there something that helped you and continues to help you through the waves of grief involved in losing a baby?
What helped was having my husband by my side through it all. It also helped seeing our 2 year old daughter and watching her play, being the little beautiful miracle of ours.
One week after delivering our sweet Emersyn, my dad passed away. Before he passed, he told me he would be meeting baby Emersyn up there and would take the best care of her. In a strange way, while completely shattered, this did help knowing they are together.
I also turned to devotionals and books to help process everything- to help me know I am not alone. I searched out facebook groups and communities and instagram profiles of others who share in my pain. Talking to them and sharing our story helped.
Do you have a favorite moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby?
My favorite moment during pregnancy was feeling her little kicks. One moment in particular, when she started to kick hard enough that I could feel her on the outside, I grabbed my husbands hand and threw it on my belly and she stopped kicking (as usual, right?!) but as soon as my husband started talking, she had the biggest kick I had ever felt with her. It was the most beautiful moment.
After delivery, holding her with my husband by my side was my favorite. For those few hours with her after delivery, it made it reality that she was our little girl. I will always have that picture in my head and carry it with me everywhere.
Can you share a difficult moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby?
The two worst days of my life were the day we saw no heartbeat, and the next day, delivering her.
I knew when I hadn’t felt her move that something was wrong, but I was holding out so much hope that it wasn’t true. When the ultrasound tech confirmed via ultrasound, I was devastated. It felt like I was thrown into a totally different universe and I had no control. I was living in someone else’s life.
What is something helpful others can do for someone who experiences a similar loss?
Send flowers. Send cards. Say their name. Send dinner, meals, gift cards. My favorite gift I received was a mama self-care basket that my friends put together with comfy sweatpants, fuzzy socks, face masks, lotion, items for our 2 year old like snacks and books, and precious personalized mementos to remember our little girl.
Saying something is better than saying nothing, even if all you can say is “I’m so sorry.” There are no words that can bring our little ones back, but having an outreach of support and knowing that people love you and love your baby just as if they were here, is so so so special.
How could someone honor and remember your baby now that time has passed?
A few weeks after Emersyn passed, we went to a grief support group at our hospital and had a candle lighting service. I shared it with family, friends, and social media and asked them to light a candle and take a picture to share with me in her memory. I was completely taken aback when I received hundreds of photos of candles being lit for our little girl.
Any time someone thinks of Emersyn and they let me know, it warms my heart to know that they are thinking of her. Without physically being here, my biggest fear is people forgetting her.
Do you have traditions or ways that you remember and celebrate your baby?
I have a necklace with her birthstone in it that I wear everyday, along with our beautiful bracelets from you(Zoe Faith Foundation)!!
We got a box personalized with her name engraved on the outside that holds her remains and all of her baby items we received in the hospital. My daughter uses one of her blankets and calls it her “Emersyn blankie” and the teddy bear we received from the hospital is now called “Emmy Bear.”
Lighting candles is so special for us, too.
Do you have a quote, book, verse, song that has been a comfort?
“God is within her, she will not fall” -Psalm 45:5
