Addie Elena
My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We have been married for almost nine years, and have three beautiful girls. One in heaven and two on earth.
We were so excited for the arrival of our second baby. The timing seemed perfect with a 25-month age difference between my oldest daughter and our baby. We bought our daughter big sister shirts and books, and got her excited for her baby sibling. Our family threw us a surprise baby shower two weeks before my due date, and we were ready to bring our baby home.
At 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I didn’t feel my baby move. I drank ice cold water and ate ice cream hoping to wake baby up. I had started contractions, so my husband thought I was in labor. We drove to the hospital to get checked out, and it felt like a nightmare. The nurse couldn’t find my baby’s heartbeat with the Doppler. I asked the nurse to get my husband. He walked in as I was getting transferred to the ultrasound room. I told him what was going on and then I lost it. I prayed for good news, but the doctor’s facial expression said it all. He looked at me and said “I am so sorry, there is no heartbeat”. Nothing had ever hurt so much. I was devastated, confused, and completely heartbroken. “What? Why? No this can’t be true. What did I do wrong?” I immediately surrendered to God and prayed for a miracle. I prayed for Him to take over my thoughts and be by my side.
Waiting to be induced, felt like torture. I credit God for giving me strength. I felt His presence the entire time. I was given the best nurse. My husband and my nurse Maci helped me through every contraction. The next morning, I was ready to push and face the reality that my baby was gone. At 5:45 am, our baby was born. My husband said, “It’s a girl!”. I looked over at my baby and felt the worse pain ever. My baby did not move or cry, she was born still. Addie Elena was beautiful and perfect in every way. She also looked just like her big sister.
Is there something that helped you and continues to help you through the waves of grief involved in losing a baby?
Being open and honest about my feelings and emotions, and sharing them with my close friends and family. We have been blessed with a great support group who is always willing to listen and help in any way they can.
Do you have a favorite moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby?
I’ll forever hold the memories we created with our toddler while I was pregnant with Addie. Our oldest daughter was so excited for her baby sibling. She would stand next to me for my weekly bump pictures and hold her tummy so Dada would take our pictures.
She would always try to feed her baby through my belly, whatever it was she was eating. My favorite memory was when she got ice cream all over my bump because according to her, baby wanted to eat ice cream. Addie would move and kick the most when her big sister would touch my belly and talk to her. They truly had a special sister bond. Their special bond will never be broken.
Our oldest daughter still talks about how much she misses and loves her sister Addie. Listening to her talk about how much she loves and misses her has been both, heartbreaking and so special at the same time.
My favorite memory after delivering Addie, is when my husband mentioned that he believed her favorite color would’ve been purple. The color purple will always remind us of her.
Can you share a difficult moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby?
The feeling and pain of holding our lifeless baby girl right after birth is indescribable. Nothing could have ever prepared us for this heartbreak. We both talked about feeling a hole in our stomachs and literally feeling our heart ache.
Everything felt like a nightmare. Having to make funeral arrangements in the delivery room, shortly after giving birth, felt like torture. The worst part was having to say our final goodbyes to our baby girl and watch her get wheeled away from our room.
It was so difficult driving away from the hospital with an empty backseat, where she should have been sitting in her baby car seat.
What is something helpful others can do for someone who experiences a similar loss?
Check in on both of the parents constantly and ask how they are both doing. It is so important to remember that Dads grieve also, and that they need support as well. Phone calls, text messages, cards, and emails were all nice to receive from our loved ones. Some people dropped off meals, which was also very helpful. If distance is an issue, sending gift cards or ordering food for the family are other options. If the family has other children at home, offering to watch their children can be very helpful as well.
How could someone honor and remember your baby now that time has passed?
We love when people bring up Addie. It means so much to us when people share that they were thinking of her or that something reminded them of her. We appreciate getting messages on her birthday, and all the remembrance gifts we receive randomly and during the holidays. Addie will always be a part of our family, and we love to see her be included as much as possible.
Do you have traditions or ways that you remember and celebrate your baby?
We have a plush fawn that we bought for Addie, and we take it on a lot of our family outings. We also include her fawn in our family Christmas photos.
We’ve celebrated Addie’s birthdays with a homemade cake, and a visit to the cemetery, which we plan on doing every year. We also decorate her gravesite with clippings from our Christmas tree every year. Hummingbirds remind us of Addie, so we have several hummingbird items that we’ve purchased and that have been gifted to us in memory of her.
A month after losing Addie, our immediate family helped us plant a memorial garden for her that we filled with different purple flowers. The garden attracts a lot of hummingbirds which we love. Watching her tree and plants grow has also brought us some type of joy.
Do you have a quote, book, verse, song that has been a comfort?
“The Lord is close to the broken hearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit”
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding”
Lauren Daigle songs “Trust in You” and “Rescue”
Can you share a little about Hugs For Addie?
My husband and I started Hugs Through Addie’s Mugs Project, in memory of our daughter Addie. We send hugs through mugs to bereaved mothers experiencing a miscarriage, stillbirth or any type of infant loss. Our hope is to bring them a little bit of comfort knowing that they are not alone in their pain. We often think of the families that receive our mugs and we pray that they are surrounded by so much love and support.
Our project is fully funded by us and with donations. I started a small business selling homemade shirts and personalized mugs to help cover the materials and shipping expenses. We originally started donating our mugs to hospitals only, and are now donating to other nonprofit organizations that put together bereavement packages, and directly to bereaved mothers that we learn about. We are so grateful for the continuous support we are receiving.
During the Carried Project we donate 50% of the profits from gift shop sales back to the family. We’d love for you to take a peek inside the shop and make a difference. The other 50% will go to supporting families who experience pregnancy and infant loss.
