Lorenzo Martinez

This was my first pregnancy and everything was going perfectly. I cruised through the first trimester with a ton of morning (noon and night) sickness but I felt so alive. At our 20-week anatomy scan I was diagnosed with placenta previa and was told worst case scenario would be delivering 3 weeks early via C-section. Pedro was my biggest supporter – keeping my mind at ease when I began to question how this would impact our son’s delivery.

At 27 weeks 4 days I had life threatening hemorrhaging that led to an emergency c-section. Due to my condition, I had general anesthesia and Pedro was not allowed to be with me during delivery. I remember waking up in recovery to the sound of his voice telling me that I was okay and our son was with the doctors in the NICU.

Lorenzo settled into what we thought would be his temporary home in the NICU really well. He measured slightly bigger than the average 27 weeker and had a full head of hair! We spent every day with him while getting to know his medical needs and personality. The nurses and doctors answered all of our questions and talked about the challenges a premature baby would face. In those moments there was fear, but seeing Lorenzo fight every day for his life was giving us hope.

I was exclusively pumping and so excited to see my milk supply increase every day as well as his feedings. I would bring it in a little cooler bag and the NICU nurses would share in my joy.

On day 10, our progress came to a screeching stop when we learned that Lorenzo had an infection. We watched as his little body fought harder and harder. Unfortunately, the infection and the many challenges of prematurity were fatal. Lorenzo gave us everything he had for 12 beautiful days before being called back to heaven. We had never seen strength of this magnitude before in our lives and will always be so proud of his short but meaningful life.

Do you have a favorite moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby? My favorite moment during pregnancy was when our cat would lay on my belly. We are convinced he knew from the early weeks that I was pregnant because he was always with me. As I started to show more he would wait until I got comfortable and then climb onto my lap and fall asleep on my belly.

My favorite moment after delivery was naming Lorenzo. We thought we had more time so hadn’t yet decided on a name, but as soon as we both saw our baby boy we knew his name would be Lorenzo. That moment of connection between Pedro and I and our new family was so blissful. On my hardest days, I remember that feeling to get me through.

My favorite moment with Lorenzo was when I put my finger into his isolette for him to hold and he would grab right on. When I would talk to him, he was always responsive, wiggling around and trying to open his eyes. Pedro says Lorenzo knew his mamma’s voice.

Is there something that helped you and continues to help you through the waves of grief involved in losing a baby? Reading, journaling, walking, praying, and crying. Some days none of these things help, but I am learning to ride the waves as they come instead of resisting them. The book ‘The Light Between Us’ helped me in the initial weeks after Lorenzo’s death. It helped me feel closer to him and create my own way of communicating with him on the other side.

A difficult moment after delivery was when I was discharged and we came home without Lorenzo. The three days we were in the hospital we were just a floor below him and it all felt surreal. We had 24/7 access to the NICU which was comforting, but the feeling of him being there without us, perhaps wondering where we were at any moment was heart wrenching. The most difficult moment was in his final moments where we held him for the first and the last time. We talked to him and told him how proud we were of him and how honored we felt that he chose us to be his parents. Life changed forever in those moments. Some days they haunt me and others they bring peace. Grief is unpredictable.

What is something helpful others can do for someone who experiences a similar loss? My cousin set up a Meal Train page for us. The page allowed people to sign up for meal delivery, send gift cards, or make monetary donations. We were overwhelmed with the amount of donations in all three forms that we received.

Gift the book of ‘The Light Between Us’ by Laura Lynne Jackson. This book helped me through those dark early days of grief when I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

Start messages with “no need to respond”. This helped me feel less pressure responding, knowing that there was nothing expected of me.

How could someone honor and remember your baby now that time has passed? Say his name - we love hearing it. He will always be our son and we want his name and life to live on through all of those that loved him.

Talk about infant loss and grief more. We were wildly unaware of the loss community before Lorenzo, but have found comfort knowing we are not alone.

Do you have traditions or ways that you remember and celebrate your baby? I recently made a Shutterfly photobook of my pregnancy through Lorenzo’s last day with us on earth. It was terrifying, but now our best moments are together and preserved in his special book. On the 30th of every month we use a green (which we hoped would be his favorite color) lightbulb in his memorial corner of our house. It stays on all day and we honor another month with him. We are heading into a holiday season of firsts which we know will be challenging. We are still finding ways to celebrate him, but we honor him every day by waking up and living in his name. His immeasurable strength keeps us going.

Our sweet son, Lorenzo, was born on May 30, 2021. He was called back to heaven on June 11, 2021 but not before showing us his strength and the true meaning of love.

Jillian DeGroot is a licensed clinical social worker and advocate for pregnancy and infant loss. You can follow her at @courage_in_time