Judah Morgan

Brendan and I (Miri) have been married for 8 years. Together, we have 4 children, Jack, Judah, 5, Arthur, 3, & Eleanor, 11 months.

A few months after we got married, I went to the doctor because I hadn’t been feeling well for about a month. I had taken a few pregnancy tests but they were negative so I thought something else was going on. The first thing they asked was if I could be pregnant and they did a pregnancy test. It came back positive and we were incredibly excited to be starting our family, albeit way earlier than we had planned. Two weeks later, I started bleeding not long after my husband left for work and I rushed to the ER. After hours alone in the ER, they finally did an ultrasound. There wasn’t even anything they could see and it confirmed a miscarriage. I was sent home with a basic set of instructions but no further support and was simply told I was young and could have more kids.

It sent me into a pretty deep depression for a few months. I had just moved to Texas when we got married and didn’t really know anyone. I was pretty alone in my grief, other than my husband but he worked so we were apart during the day. It was really hard and my response was to try and have another baby right away. Unfortunately that led to us dealing with 2.5 years of infertility. I really didn’t start to start coming out of my depression and grief until I sought out counseling.

After my miscarriage, I saw a quote, – “And to think when they opened their eyes, the first thing they saw was the face of Jesus.” and it helped me a lot to know that my baby was safe in the arms of Jesus and only ever knew love and safety. It also helped to give him a nickname (we had a feeling it was boy) – Jack.

We became pregnant again and our son, Judah Nathaniel Oliver Beorn, was born August 22, 2016

Judah was born at 33 weeks and 3 days after my water broke 5 days before. We had been doing amnioinfusions for the 9 weeks before that to replace his amniotic fluid since he didn’t have any kidneys. The morning he was born, they had taken me off the medication that was stopping my labor to see if it would start again. It did right after they told me it was safe to eat and Judah’s heart rate was dropping with each contraction.

They rushed us into an emergency c-section and Judah was born at 2:10pm and had to be resuscitated. A team worked on him for a while and when they got him pink and stable on the ventilator, he was taken to the NICU. I didn’t get to see him with the exception of pictures sent by my husband from the NICU and them bringing in his gurney right before he was transferred to the children’s hospital. Unfortunately my postpartum room was really small and they brought the gurney in backwards so all I could see was his feet. They told me the next day that if I could get out of bed and eat my breakfast without throwing up, I could have a pass to go and see him. So I forced myself up and into a chair and ate all of my breakfast. I got to meet him later that day after they granted me a three hour pass.

We saw a lot of miracles. Judah wasn’t supposed to make it through his first night, but he did. He wasn’t supposed to be able to handle dialysis, but he did. He wasn’t supposed to be a pulmonary survivor, but he was. He wasn’t supposed to ever breathe on his own, but he did. We had a really sweet time in that November were he was off the ventilator and pretty stable. We were basically just working on steps to get him home. We were able to hold him whenever we wanted because we didn’t need help picking him up and we would spend 6 hours with him every day snuggling him, reading him books, and playing with him. He was born in Cincinnati (they had a research program for babies without kidneys and were the only ones who would treat him) and just before Christmas, we transferred him home to a hospital in Texas. It was good to be home but the hospital wasn’t as good and made a lot of mistakes which led to him passing away. Judah died February 25, 2017, just a few days after his six month birthday.

The waves of grief can be intense. I am thankful for the ministry Hope Mommies has they helped me immensely. It is incredible to be able to connect with other moms who know exactly what it is like to walk through life after loss as well as the reminder that we have hope in Christ of seeing our babies again one day. Another thing that has helped a lot has been sharing my experience on social media and getting to help other moms through their loss as well.

One of my favorite memories with Judah is from the hospital in Texas. My husband and I came into Judah’s room and he saw us and lit up. He didn’t stop smiling for a good little while because he was just so happy to see us. He had the most beautiful, radiant smile.

Letting him go was definitely the hardest part. As we were preparing to take him off life support, I was dry heaving, unable to actually throw up because I hadn’t eaten and had barely had anything to drink in almost 48 hours. Sweet Judah summoned up some of the last of his strength and squeezed my finger. It was his last, intentional movement and was so Judah. He wanted to comfort his mama. After his breathing tube was taken out, he took huge, deep breaths and screamed for them to help him. I desperately wanted them to put his tube back in but they didn’t because it was best to let him go. It was so hard to let him pass peacefully and not try to intervene again.

If you know someone walking through a similar loss, keep showing up. And don’t just tell them, “Whatever you need, I’m here.” They don’t know what they need. Two of the most helpful things people did for us were to ask if it was okay to send their cleaning lady every couple of weeks for a while and someone else sent us a coffee maker to help us get through the grief fatigue.

It is so impacting and such a beautiful way to honor his life when people keep talking about him and saying his name, asking about him, and including him. It also means a lot when his birthday is remembered as well as the day he passed away.

I have found it helpful to not put a timeline on others grief. I lost a few friends after my miscarriage who thought I really should’ve just moved on after a month or so. And that hurt almost as much because I thought they were people who would always be there for me no matter what and it made me feel as though I hadn’t lost as much as I actually had.

Every month on the 22nd, we have Judah’s Day. We get cupcakes and celebrate him turning another month older. He was never supposed to live more than a few hours, if he was born alive at all, and so each time he turned another month older was a huge deal. And we try to keep honoring that today. Each year for his birthday, we give back. For his first three birthdays, we collected donations and put together care packages and took them to the NICU at the hospital where he passed away. We gave around 200 over three years. After COVID made it impossible to give physical items, we had to look for other ways to give back for his birthday. For his fourth birthday, we raised money for the Ronald McDonald House to help cover the stay of other families. And for his fifth birthday, we raised money for Hope Boxes, a box given to loss moms by Hope Mommies that contains a Bible, devotional written by Hope Mommies and self care items. We were able to raise enough for 17 boxes this year.

-Miri Morgan, @brokenbeautifulmamahood

During the Carried Project we donate 50% of the profits from gift shop sales back to the family. We’d love for you to take a peek inside the shop and make a difference. The other 50% will go to supporting families who experience pregnancy and infant loss.