Let me start off by introducing myself and my family. My name is Angela, and my incredible husband is Jonathon. We met at Hesston College in Kansas where we both lived at the time. Shortly after we started dating, my husband moved to Florida to continue his college education, so we had a long-distance relationship for a year. We got married in Kansas but then I moved down to Florida where the rest of his family lived and we have been married for 8 years now. We have 3 beautiful children here with us (Alice-6, Caleb-5, and Evelyn-2) and now one being raised in heaven (Scarlett).

From the beginning of our marriage my husband and I have always said that we wanted 4 kids, and in March of 2021 we found out that was going to become a reality. On Easter of 2021 we told our family and friends that our little family was going to be growing again around November 28th. It was almost a bittersweet moment at the time, thinking that this will most likely be the last time I’ll be pregnant, but also excited to be where we wanted to be at with our family.

I was 12 weeks along when I went in for my first appointment, and I remember having a small part of me hoping everything would be normal, but then quickly brushed that feeling away because I have had three healthy pregnancies already so I figured this one would be fine as well. During the ultrasound that day, I was excited again to see this small beautiful life growing inside of me. However, when the midwife came in to do the check-up and give us the results of the ultrasound, she informed us that she was going to be sending us to Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) because the baby didn’t have a cranium. I remember sitting there thinking “ok the cranium is the top of the skull, right? Does this mean that the baby is just going to be born with some difficulties, but we’ll still have the baby right?” Then, I asked when the cranium usually develops? I was reaching for hope that the baby would be fine, and it wasn’t going to be what every mom is afraid of. All she would tell me was that the cranium develops by 12 weeks and that she strongly recommended that we go see MFM. At this point I was thinking that I have been to MFM before with two of our kids and it was always small minor things, and everything turned out fine. A part of me knew that the baby not having their cranium couldn’t be good, but I still hoped that there would be some kind of medical intervention that we could do after birth and then the baby would be ok. I knew it sounded ridiculous, but I was just reaching for any kind of hope I could, but I also started mentally preparing myself for the worst. I knew that I needed to start putting all me worries and anxieties in God’s hands and have Him carry me through whatever possibility could happen because no matter what happened it was going to be God’s will and for His glory.

When I first made the MFM appointment I couldn’t get in till about 24 weeks along but then one of the OBGYN offices called saying that they had a sooner appointment and with one of the better MFM Doctors. This was God’s intervention right here and helping me get a doctor that would support us in whatever decisions we made with our diagnosis. Before the appointment Jonathon had asked me what we were going to do if it was worst case scenario because originally, we had planned on not finding out the gender like we did with our third child. We decided that we would pick out a boy and girl name beforehand, so if it was worst case then we would find out the gender and we would start calling them by their name. When it was finally time for the ultrasound, I was so nervous that just looking at my baby was making me tear up and I was hoping that there would be a big miracle and that there would be a cranium. However, that hope for a miracle was soon lost when the tech confirmed that our baby still didn’t have their cranium, but we still relayed on God and his will for us. When the ultrasound was finished, we met with the doctor, and he gave us the official diagnosis of Anencephaly… a terminal diagnosis. Once he gave us the diagnosis, we asked to know the gender and we found out it was another baby girl, our precious Scarlett Rose. Afterwards on our way home Jonathon and I called our parents and gave them the hard news that not only were we going to be losing a child, but that they will be losing a granddaughter.

While we were at the appointment our neighbors/church friends who we are really close with, were watching our kids for us. We had talked to them a lot about our feelings and worries with this upcoming appointment because my friend Jaclyn had gone through a lot too with her 4th child, and so she knew some of my feelings throughout this process. So, on our way home from the appointment I texted her the diagnosis knowing she would research it herself and she would know everything without me having to say it out loud yet. When we finally got home, Jaclyn and I laid eyes on each other, and she came straight over to me and gave started hugging me and we started crying together. Later that day, we had VBS at our church, where I was the leader for the 3 & 4 year-olds and Jonathon and I had to decide whether we were going to continue helping out or if we wanted to stay home the rest of the week. I had decided that I wanted a healthy distraction and I wanted to be around our church family. However, I wasn’t ready to talk about the appointment yet. So, what we decided with our neighbors was that if anyone asked us how the appointment went, we would tell them that we weren’t ready to talk about it yet, but they could talk to our neighbors and they could inform them about it. Then once VBS was over we posted on Facebook to let everyone know about Scarlett and her diagnosis. It was nice to have the support from our church, family, and friends during this time and feeling the peace and comfort of God beginning carrying us through it all.

A couple of weeks later we decided to tell our kids that they were going to have a baby sister but that we were going to be able to bring her home because she was going to be going to heaven after she is born. The older two cried over the news but then we told them we would take them to Build-a-Bear to make a bear in memory of Scarlett and put a recording of her heartbeat in the bear. Then in October we got to do a 3D ultrasound with pictures and recording of her moving around and her heartbeat. What I loved about that ultrasound is you could see her chunky cheeks and plump little lips just like all her other siblings had.

But as my pregnancy got further along and the bigger I got and soon I was bigger than I ever had been, measuring at about 40 weeks when I was only about 36 weeks along. The reason I was so big was because I had an excessive amount of fluid in my belly. Scarlett didn’t have all the normal functions that babies have and so she wasn’t intaking the fluid like she was supposed to and so it was building up inside me. From the excessive fluid in my belly there was a lot of pressure on my veins in which caused me to get a blood clot in my legs and I had to go on blood thinners.

With the diagnosis, me gaining so much fluid, and becoming so uncomfortable the midwives suggested I be induced at 37 weeks. However, my struggle with that was that our oldest daughter, Alice’s birthday would be during my 38th week. I didn’t want overshadow Alice’s birthday with the death of her baby sister right before. So, I decided to be induced two days after Alice’s birthday and that way it gave us time to celebrate her properly and, in the meantime, I hoped that my water wouldn’t break before then. Thankfully we were able to celebrate her birthday without my water breaking and we made it to our induction day, November 18th. We went to the hospital to be induced in hopes that I could have Scarlett naturally, but when they did a quick ultrasound, they discovered that she was in a cradled position because of all the extra fluid and she had a lot of room to float around in. I asked the doctor if we could try to move her head down and then break my water in hopes to have her naturally, but when the doctor asked what our goals were, we told him that we wanted to hold her while she was still alive. He informed me that for the best chance of that happening would be if I did a C-section, and so after thinking about it for a while we decided to go ahead and go through with the C-section.

This was almost a hard decision for me to make as I had my other 3 kids naturally and having C-section was kind of a fear of mine but if it gave me even a minute with my daughter alive then that’s what I would do. Another God provision during this time was while at the hospital we had a church friend (Beverly) who was also a labor and delivery nurse guiding us and helping us to figure out the best way to try to deliver Scarlett and even setting up the best nurses for my post-partum. Beverly wasn’t even scheduled to work but she still showed up and then when it was time for my C-section, she clocked in so she could continue being there for me. I will never forget how she was a calming presence in the OR room when I was becoming nervous, and reality was starting to sink in, and I was trying not to break down. I was finally about to see my baby girl, but also about to lose my baby girl and I had no idea how long she would even live for. Thankfully though Beverly was there to hold my hands and remind me to breath until my husband could come in and while my husband was preparing to come in the OR room my mother was there for him and helping him stay calm. Then at 11:20 pm on November 18th Scarlett Rose Steele was born, and for the first time my husband got to hold her, and it was such a beautiful sight to see her cradled in her father’s arms. Once they sewed me back together, I held her as they rolled me into the recovery room, but soon after we arrived in the room at 11:55 Scarlett had passed.

Even though her heart was beating when she was born, we never got to hear her cry, or see her move. But for 35 mins our baby girl had a heartbeat and that is all I could have asked for in that moment. After she had passed, we brought in our family and a few close friends to see her, and we had an amazing photographer from “Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep” to take pictures of our baby girl for us.

Thankfully the hospital had a cold cot that helped preserve her body for a little longer while also allowing us to keep her close till the next day. It was strange to wake up the next morning and slowly start realizing that my biggest fear in life and came true but remembering that this was God’s will, and he had his comforting hands around us during it all. We also had amazing family and friends to pour their love out to us during this time. The hospital had some ladies come and make clay molds of Scarlett’s feet for us and while we spent the rest of the day passing her around and holding her like you would have with any other baby. Once everyone went home that day Jonathon and I spent a little more time admiring her and stroking her cute chubby cheeks and singing to her one last time before we finally handed her off and see her for the last time. That is our story of our precious Scarlett.

We love and miss you dearly Scarlett Rose

Scarlett Rose

Mirabel Monique

Arabella Ann Hall