ELLE SHAFFSTALl
Our angel baby is Elle Rose and she was stillborn on September 11th, 2017.
My name is Sarah and my husband Eric and I have been married 11 years. We have Jude (8) who is a super athletic, funny, and energetic little guy. Blake (6) who is very compassionate, imaginative, and funny. And finally, Kate (2) who is sweet as can be and we are loving seeing her personality come out more and more every day!
Everything in my pregnancy had been going perfectly. It was the first pregnancy that we had absolutely no complications. I was a little over 37 weeks, and we were expecting to meet Elle soon! The nursery was ready, all of her clothes were washed, and I had just gotten books from the library for us to read to the boys about having a new baby.
It was a Saturday evening and we were hanging out with family and I noticed that Elle did not have hiccups like normal. Like clockwork she would have hiccups every single night, but that night she only hiccupped one or two times. I thought it was a little odd, but I did not think too much about it. The next day I was in full nesting mode and running errands, and around lunch time I realized that I had not felt Elle moving around like normal. I thought it might have been because I was up moving around all day, so I sat down and ate some lunch but still did not feel movement. I was starting to get a little worried, but I assumed that I was just overreacting.
We had a friend’s birthday party that afternoon, so we went to the party but part way through I told Eric that I was getting really worried because I was not feeling any movement. We left the party, and I called the on-call doctor on the way home. He said to come into the hospital so that they could put me on the fetal monitor to check that everything was alright. I still thought I was probably overreacting at this point and that there was a reasonable explanation for why I wasn’t feeling movement. I told Eric to stay home with the boys and get them dinner and that I would go to the hospital on my own. I thought I would go into the hospital, they would put me on the fetal monitor, we would hear her heartbeat and know everything was fine, and that I would go home.
When I arrived at the hospital, I was put in a triage room in the OB department and a nurse began to try finding Elle’s heartbeat with a fetal doppler. She could not find Elle’s heartbeat but assured me that Elle had probably just gotten into a weird position. A second nurse came in and they both proceeded to try to find Elle’s heartbeat with no luck. At this point, a third nurse came in to look for Elle’s heartbeat and when she could not find it they told me they were going to do an ultrasound.
The doctor came into the room with an ultrasound machine and started the ultrasound. Right away I saw Elle’s heart and that it was not beating – there was not the normal flutter of the heart that you see on ultrasounds. Even though I saw her heart not beating, I still could not believe it, and I asked the doctor if she was ok. It was at that point he told me that Elle’s heart was no longer beating and that we had lost her.
I was in shock. I was devastated. It did not feel like any of what was happening could be real. I was sure it had to be some sort of nightmare that I would wake up from.
I called Eric and had to tell him over the phone that we had lost our baby girl. He quickly had our neighbor come over to stay with the boys while his parents drove over to watch them.
Once Eric arrived we spoke with the doctor and made the decision to go home for the night, start processing the loss, get some sleep, and then come back in the morning to be induced. That night we ended up with both boys in our bed, and I remember thinking it was the last time we would all be together. In the morning, before we left for the hospital I sat in her nursery and mourned that I would not be coming home from the hospital with Elle. That she would never sleep in her crib, that I would never rock her to sleep, and that we would not see her in her room that we had lovingly gotten ready for her.
When we arrived at the hospital we were all checked into our room and the induction was started. A nurse specializing in grief came in and spoke to us. She provided comfort and suggestions for spending time with Elle once she was born. She suggested taking pictures, singing her songs, changing her clothes – taking the time to do some of the things we had dreamed of doing that we would no longer be able to do with our living baby girl. She also explained that since we had made the decision to have an autopsy, whenever we were not holding Elle that she would be taken out of the room to be put into a refrigerator to help preserve her body. That was so hard to hear. The thought of our daughter being put into a refrigerator was a breaking point for me.
The induction process kicked in just like it was supposed to and I was able to have a birth without pain medication – just like I had with the boys. When we first saw Elle both Eric and I just kept remarking on how beautiful she was. She was perfect in absolutely every way. We spent the next day with her and sang her songs, introduced her to her brothers, and held her and tried to remember every feature on her sweet face.
Is there something that helped you and continues to help you through the waves of grief involved in losing a baby?
Losing a child is something no parent should have to go through. I wish I had words of wisdom on handling the grief, but I don’t. I think what helped me most with the grief was taking the space to go on runs or workout on my own. I needed that space to help me handle the grief and to clear my mind and it is something I still do when I am feeling overwhelmed with grief. It was and is a time that I can think of Elle, that I can pray and turn to God for comfort for the pain and grief I am experiencing.
Also, giving back was something and continues to be something that helps with the grief. The hospital we were at did not have a CuddleCot. If it did, then Elle could have been put in the CuddleCot in the room with us versus being taken out whenever we were not holding her. That was something that was personally really hard for me. After we lost her, friends, family and coworkers helped us raise the funds to purchase a CuddleCot for the hospital. It is now there and has a plaque with Elle’s name on it. Doing things such as that which I know can help make an incredibly difficult time even just a little easier for a family has helped me with my own grief.
Finally, having pictures of Elle has helped our whole family with grief. We will sit down as a family sometimes and look at her pictures and cry and even laugh together. We have pictures of her scattered throughout our house. She is our baby just like our other children, and it would feel wrong to not have her pictures up with everyone else's.
Do you have a favorite moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby?
Out of all my babies, Elle seemed to be the most attuned to what was going on outside. Every time I would turn on the vacuum she would react and continue to be extremely active the whole time I vacuumed. It would crack me up every time. She would also become very active every time she heard Eric’s voice. She could be quiet and likely sleeping, and the second Eric walked into the room and started talking she would wake up and start moving around.
Can you share a difficult moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby?
We had an amazing support network after we lost Elle. We had so many friends, family, and even strangers reach out to us with words of comfort. I think the hardest thing was when others would try to relate or minimize the loss we experienced. For example, hearing well meaning individuals say things like at least we lost Elle before she was born versus when she was older and we knew her. I learned during this experience that you should never compare loss or grief. All grief and loss hurts and not one is worse or better than another – it is just different. I would have given anything to have had Elle live, even for a little while so that I knew what her smile looked like or her voice sounded like.
What is something helpful others can do for someone who experiences a similar loss?
Be there. Be there to listen when the individual needs to talk. Be there for them to cry on your shoulder. Be there when they need to get angry and vent about the experience they are going through. Be there to pray for them and over them. Someone going through grief may need space but just knowing that you are there when they need you is huge.
How could someone honor and remember your baby now that time has passed?
Someone could honor and remember Elle by just talking about her! It is so important to us that she is not forgotten. Even though she is not on this Earth, she is still a member of our family and we know one day we will meet her, hold her, and kiss her sweet little cheeks!
Do you have traditions or ways that you remember and celebrate your baby?
Every year we celebrate Elle on her birthday. We have a cake that is decorated how we think she would have liked it at that age. We spend time talking about her and what we think she would have been like and we watch the movie 101 Dalmatians which is the movie we watched as a family after we came home from the hospital without her.
Is there a song/book/quote and/or verse that was helpful in your grieving process ?
Verses that were and are of comfort specific to Elle have been Matthew 5:4 (Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted) and Joshua 1:9 (Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.)
The songs that were most comforting were Hillsong United’s Oceans (Where Feet May Fail), Blessings by Laura Story, and Thy Will by Hillary Scott.
Can you share a little bit about why you started crocheting and how that has helped you?
When we were in the hospital with Elle we were given a crocheted baby blanket for Elle and a crocheted prayer shawl. They both touched me so much in that they were items that someone had lovingly created to give comfort to those in times of need. Elle’s baby blanket is a keepsake that we will always have. Something that we can hold on to and think of her…. I still think it even smells like her. I began crocheting after we lost Elle for multiple reasons. One, it was something to keep my hands busy. I was supposed to be holding and caring for my baby, and I wasn’t. Being able to focus on that, focus on creating something really helped me to move through the grief. It was also a way I could give back to others. I wanted to be able to create and pray over blankets that I could provide to family, friends, and those experiencing loss such as us.
