Steffes family
Hello, my name is Vicki and I have been married to my soul mate Trevor since April 21, 2020. We have one Earth-side child, Claire, who is 16. We also have our 3 Lil' Bears with wings, Tyler Michael(17), Emilie Annette (14) and SaraBeth Norma(10 mos), who reside Heaven-side.
My bonus son, Tyler Michael, was born on March 16, 2004. He fought valiantly for 5 days, before he gained his Angel wings on March 21st. Tyler is the firstborn son of my husband and his first wife, Tawn. Tyler's Mama Tawn had to take injections for a clotting factor and did her best to keep him safe and growing as long as possible. Tyler was so excited to meet his Mama & Daddy (and also for St Paddy's Day as he has an Irish background) that he was born at 24/25 weeks gestation.
When it was determined Tyler needed more help than they could manage he and his Mama got to go on his very first helicopter ride (life-flight) to the large hospital closest to from our town to the hospital in our nearest city. Tyler spent as much time in his Mama and Daddy's arms as possible, but being on the ventilator he needed an extra set of hands to help when he was held.
Trevor says he thinks about Tyler and allows himself to grieve when the hard moments hit. He has his family to help him share important dates with. We celebrate his birthday with cake and are gearing up for the big #18, with family pictures, his Tyler Bear, and a family party planned. We will also celebrate through Lil' Bears with Wings to Soar.
Holding Tyler in his arms and rocking with him is a time Trevor will cherish for the rest of his life. Holding him close to his chest and loving on him was special and will never ever be enough. That short time together, cemented a father/son bond that will never be broken.
Trevor shared the most difficult moment for him, aside from Tyler's passing was when Tyler wasn't doing well and had to get transferred to a larger hospital for care. Being separated from his baby and his wife while driving to the city was difficult as he was trying not to worry as they were transported via helicopter.
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In 2007, we used a donor to attempt to conceive due to my ex-husband's medical issues. I used Basal Body temps to monitor my fertility and then my possible pregnancy. When I had been at the Doctor's a week or two before, they said no, I wasn't pregnant as their test hadn't picked up up my low levels despite my temps staying high.
I made it to 10 weeks and had finally gotten my little pink + when the unthinkable happened. My temps took a sharp drop and suddenly my child was gone. They died. This was soul crushing. How do you recover from this?
As I lay there unsure of what to do next, my emotional & physical pain came out as a keening wail, like an animal caught in a trap and tore my dreams and my world apart. My AngelBear, My Emilie gained her wings that day.
Then in 2020, I had been on birth control due to migraine medication despite the doctor's stating it would take an act of God for me to get pregnant without their intervention. Nothing we did helped and my migraines got worse until I came off the birth control. We thought nothing of it based on what the Doctor's had said, until we realized I was late… of course my levels didn't test positive but my temps tracked higher like before. (Thanks COVID) and I was in Heaven. This was my miracle child. But less than a day later my world shattered and they were gone in a torrent of pain.
Can you share about how your miscarriages have impacted you?
My world shattered. I couldn't get being a woman or a mother right. I heard from one Doctor, if you lose weight you'll conceive right away… I lost 140 lbs and still no baby. I started to doubt I was meant to be a Mama. One of the hardest parts since the miscarriages is never having had them here with us. Knowing I'm a Mama but not having held them. I've dreamed about them, my AngelBear Emilie, and my Little Bear SaraBeth since I was a child and sometimes they still feel like a dream other times this is a nightmare I can't escape. I wanted to keep them safe and secure growing until the time was right for Daddy to hold them in his arms and rock them gently to sleep. But now we will never hear their cries, or their giggles. Never see their sweet smiles when you awake or your precious face while you sleep. So many missed memories torn were from our lives when my body failed to keep it's promise to me twice. We lost our dream of all that I had truly wanted for our family; to give to their Daddy as he has claimed my Emilie as his and as SaraBeth's Daddy.
They both left us too early due to my wacky chemistry. It's hard for me to admit my failing body. The doctors have said for me to keep you I would need their constant assistance and monitoring. I'm sorry, my Bears. I would give all I have to hold you. I will love them always always in this world and the next. I chose to name SaraBeth and Emilie as they are children, they had life, and a life no matter how brief makes an impact on this world. I choose to make their lives matter. I felt empowered and I wanted to support others who may not have a support system. I didn't with Emilie, and for the first six months after I lost SB. But I fought to create a legacy for them and their brother Tyler, the safe spaces Lil' Bears occupies now so families can remember their children in a safe, supportive environment.
Is there something that helped you and continues to help you through the waves of grief involved in losing a baby?
I had received negative feedback from family members rather I was being too open, too honest, to the point of being obsessed. It broke my heart. But it also motivated me, So I began a Facebook page, group & Instagram account to be the support I needed to find after my loss in September 2020. At this time, Lil' Bears with Wings to Soar has offered support & Love to 35 families (with 3 pending) over the last 4.5 months. That is 68 children, I have had the honor and privilege to make memory pages for or add to our Forest of Friends which has grown exponentially from the beginning. They both started as a way to connect with other Mamas and offer help and support. The Forest offers comfort as your child isn't alone. They have friends. They can be together in a symbolic form.
Memory pages are my gift to other Mamas, and my therapy for myself. I pour my heart into each one. They started fairly simple, but have progressed to pretty complex.
What is something helpful others can do for someone who experiences a similar loss?
#Saytheirnames Don't shut us out because we remember our babies. They are a part of us as much as your children are a part of you. Just sit with us and be there.
How could someone honor and remember your baby now that time has passed?
Remembering dates. To honor our children, remember them in any small way. Say their names, show you include them when you address our family cards. An ornament with their name. A flower or card on their birthday. Any small way to show us you remember them will mean so much.
Do you have traditions or ways that you remember and celebrate your baby?
We have Bears from Project B.E.A.R and take pictures with them on family trips. We include them in Christmas cards, & seasonal pictures. We mark milestones in their lives, birthdays - especially big ones. We are gathering photos with Tyler Bear for his 18th birthday in March. We will do a small Sweet 16 photo shoot for Em in 2 years and in September we will celebrate SB turning 1 with a small party.
