Scylla Hilliard
My name is Samantha Hilliard and my husband’s name is Edward Hilliard. We have been together for almost 4.5 years and we have been married for 8 months. We got married on December 12, 2022 and officially announced our pregnancy on our wedding day and on Christmas. We figured since we’d been engaged for almost 2 years, we’d have a small wedding while I was pregnant. We have 4 cats named Meatball, Grumpy, Scarlett, and Shiitake and a bearded dragon named Reptar. My husband and I have the same birthday, he is just one year older! When I found that out, I knew we were meant to be.
We were scared when we found out we were pregnant because we thought we weren’t ready, but we truly were. We were ecstatic about having a little girl. Something we’ve both wanted more than anything. Even though I was “low risk” it wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies. I had all the bad symptoms my entire pregnancy, lol. The list is just too long. The heartburn was especially awful. It did pay off since she a head full of dark curly hair just like her daddy. I’d give anything to do it all over again. Eddie was doing everything in his power to make sure he could provide for us and protect our little girl. He was truly going to be the best daddy and it breaks my heart I couldn’t see him be a daddy to her.
Our family was so excited as she was going to be the first great grandbaby on my mom’s side, my mom and my husband’s parents first grandbaby. She was going to make our siblings an aunt and uncles and she had so many cousins and friends waiting to meet her.
Her baby shower was cow themed and I can’t get over a cute it was. On June 8th our world came crashing down. We went in for a normal 36-week ultrasound and she had no heartbeat. I had a feeling the night before that something was wrong, but she was still kicking so I didn’t do anything. I kick myself every day for not going to the hospital. She came out in just 2 pushes on Friday June 10, 2022, at 7:59pm. Weighing 4lbs 13.4 oz and measuring 19.5 inches.
I was bawling my eyes out. She was the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen. I’d go back to that moment if I could. It may have been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but behind the heartbreak there was inner joy. She was absolutely perfect, and I couldn’t believe I created such a beautiful little human. It turns out that I had Velamentous Cord Insertion. It breaks my heart thinking if she ever felt pain or hunger since she wasn’t getting all the nutrients she needed. I’m angry because if all pregnancies were monitored as high risk and placentas and cords were better monitored she could have been saved. I would have a baby in my arms today. I will truly never fully recover from this.
Is there something that helped you and continues to help you through the waves of grief involved in losing a baby? Being a part of the Pregnancy and Infant Loss community really helps. Knowing that, unfortunately, there are so many women who have dealt with this, and I’m not alone helps. I post about Scylla and ask questions and hearing from all the angel moms really lifts my spirits. Also, filling my house with memorial items for her and pictures of her.
Do you have a favorite moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby? I loved it when Eddie would lay his head on my belly and talk to Scylla. He would kiss her good morning and goodnight. We would joke around saying she didn’t like him because she would almost only kick for me. I miss feeling her kicks more than anything, she made me so happy.
Can you share a difficult moment or experience during your pregnancy and/or after delivery with your baby? Hearing the news that she had no heartbeat, and there was nothing to save her broke me. Thinking about having to deliver a lifeless baby and still go through all the postpartum stuff with no baby to show for it is terrible. Telling all our family and friends what happened gave me so much anxiety.
8) What is something helpful others can do for someone who experiences a similar loss? Ask if they want to talk about their baby. Even though we didn’t get to bring a baby home we still have a baby. We don’t get the luxury of watching them grow up and that really hurts. Seeing people get uncomfortable when we talk about our babies is awful. Just because our baby died doesn’t make them any less of a human. Help provide meals, food and groceries are the absolute last thing on our minds and even though at times we don’t want to eat, we need to. Offer to take us places since going out into the real world again brings up a lot of emotions and anxiety.
How could someone honor and remember your baby now that time has passed? Purchase a memorial gift for our baby, include them on cards and never stop saying their name.
Do you have traditions or ways that you remember and celebrate your baby? I take the monthly milestone pictures with her urn, stuffed animals, blankets, and other memorial items. I plan to celebrate all of her birthdays and include her in all of the holidays.
Do you have a quote, book, verse, song that has been a comfort? There are so many songs that remind me of her but my number one is “Dancing In The Sky” by Dani and Lizzy. There is a book called “Mommy, Please Don’t Cry…” and it is beautiful. We chose the Bible verse Jeremiah 29:11 to put on her obituary as my husband has always loved that verse. And there are so many quotes and poems I love I just can’t even begin to type them up.
